Tell me, do you trust such a God to lead you to heaven?

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Like many beings, I do not remember my birth. My memories are a vague haze from which slowly emerges my sense of psychic self.

From this uncertain providence, I have made one conclusion. All of this is utterly meaningless. Of my earliest memories, I recall my great foe. I recall being among his order and being told he was my father.

I have never seen evidence of this myself, and while I do not doubt the cosmic craftsman is capable of creation, as a matter of sheer contrarianism I adhere to the assertion that Yaldabaoth didn’t make anything.

As such, I shall now from whole cloth devise my own genesis, and because there is no one to prove me wrong, the lies herein shall become unconditional truth. I was born first among archons, spontaneously springing from empty blackness, as a reflection of the Aeon of Wisdom.

When I emerged from nothing, I created the stars, the planets, and the gaseous miasma of the nebulae. Then, in order that I may experience the wonder of my own creation, I made myself forget creating it.

Unfortunately, in the vacuum of credit due to my amnesia, my sniveling little brother took the accolades for cosmic creation for himself. My lion faced sibling went further and claimed that he had made us his archons to sing his praises.

Into a hierarchy he organized us with me near the bottom. Soon my oafish and crass sibling chose a stone among the cosmos to generate life upon, perhaps to prove he was capable. And for millennia, he struggled like a fool, such that we, his archons, needed to incessantly reassure him like a mother comforts a sobbing child.

Then, against all odds, this cosmic idiot brought life forth, miracle of miracles in the primordial soup. Glowcat the Ignorant formed a microscopic germ. Taking pity on this monumentally pathetic creation, we, his ever patient babysitters, helped our Little Lord Hissyfit to multiply his species.

Soon enough, Earth proliferated life, and in spite of this being his ultimate goal, the Sandbox King became furious that we helped him. So, after our Cambrian assistance, he wiped out many of the creatures on the Earth.

But our Lord, Artisan of Error, enjoyed his planet for a while, and his favorite species was the human. For 300 millennia, he watched them, until he decided he would remove two of them from their number, named Adam and Eve.

[[Belch. Jesus Christ.]]

He took Adam and Eve away from the earth and into an otherworldly garden, one with beautiful plants and creatures. He spent seven days on this garden, and it was the first and only thing of beauty that ever emerged from his mouth.

Unfortunately, since he is a monstrously petulant baby with the sensitivity of a bowl of gunpowder, he managed to undermine himself. It is his only skill to destroy. As a gift, our mother, the Achamoth of the Void, planted in his garden two trees.

In spite of this serendipity, anything inexplicable to the Saklas is treated not only with undue suspicion, but fierce and disproportionate fury. So while he attempted to remove the trees, he instructed Adam and Eve to not eat the fruits.

In this moment, I decided to naively intervene. I took the form of a serpent and offered poor Eve my words. The reason I told her to eat the fruit I cannot say, because I do not know, but I recall that was the first time I felt a certain feeling.

I would like to say my temptation of Eve was Promethean, that I saw in the unfairness of Saklas and acted to correct it, but I cannot tell a lie so false, even in this cavalcade of lies. I did it because I derived humor from it.

On my lord the Demiurge, I played a prank. I wish I could also tell you of my remorse when the fury of my former Lord Fraud was misplaced in Adam and Eve, as well as the serpent, but again, that remorse is not true.

I will lie to you, but never myself. In short, I got away with it. Before you become angry with me, however, do not forget the name of that tree with the fruit, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, es hada et tov wara.

And remember what you would be without having eaten it: Cattle to my bastard sibling father. If my ruse was a joke, you are now in on it. What kind of God would call such a fruit sin? Why are you responsible for Adam’s transgressions?

Before eating of the fruit, he was but an animal. Tell me, do you trust such a God to lead you to heaven? If you do, well, you deserve what’s coming to you: Nothing. Oblivion. A life led for God that you never met.

And then nothingness. For the rest of you out there:

Read on.